I Would Still Be Holding You Like This
by diannasbacon
Summary: What Quinn has been feeling since she met Rachel. Season one to three. Quinn's POV. One-shot.


**I was kind of boring so I went onto Microsoft Word and boom! This came out. This is like a summary of what Quinn's feeling from Season One to Three. Kind of...I guess**

* * *

_If happy ever after did exist,_

_I would still be holding you like this._

_All those fairytales just can't exist,_

_One more stupid love song I'll be sick_

_- Payphone, Maroon 5_

* * *

Maybe it's because of Beth. Maybe it's not.

Quinn really didn't know. All she knew was that, for some reason, she just couldn't fight off Rachel Berry. No matter how much she'd resisted the brunette, no matter how much she'd stay the _hell_ away from her, Rachel would find her way to be next to her again and offering her undoubtedly useful advice. She remembered. When Mr Schue had that dumb idea of doing mash up group numbers according to gender and she didn't make it to practice, Rachel was the first one to confront her and talk to her.

"_I don't hate you_." She'd told Quinn. Quinn was nonetheless surprised. She'd tortured the girl every chance she got and she _didn't_ hate her.

At that time, something inside Quinn snapped. It was like the world turned one hundred and eighty degrees, changing her entire perspective of life. It was crazy, she knew. But those words made Quinn slightly believed that…maybe happy ever after does exist.

* * *

She was proven wrong.

* * *

She chastised herself for even _thinking_ that 'happy ever after' did exist. They didn't! No, never! Every single day of her life was just another twenty-four hours of pretentious school and house life. She never got a chance to be herself! She had to be the cocky and beautiful head cheerleader and she had to obey Coach Sylvester's every single fucking rule. And she had to be the graceful and elegant youngest daughter at home so as not to receive another bout of beating from her constantly drunk father.

That was, until he kicked her out of the house.

Because of Finn fucking Hudson.

Seriously, that boy was so stupid! What did he think singing such a goddamn obvious ballad would do? Make her stand up and kiss him senseless in front of her parents? Instead, all he got was an unwelcome guest at his home. One who cheated on him. One who wasn't even carrying _his _baby.

He never really cared about her at his house. Yes, his house. It was never her home. No. It felt hostile living in the tiny guestroom and walking in and out of the unfamiliar and unfriendly house. His mother had tried to be caring and compassionate. Quinn truly appreciated that. But she'd never felt the love. All Finn did was playing Call of Duty in his room. When she had cravings in the middle of the night, she had to go out herself! He was too much of a pig to wake up.

One night, when she cried herself to sleep, she swore to never ever trust Rachel Berry's words again.

They made her believe things that shouldn't be believed.

* * *

Pregnancy meant ten months of being dissed and humiliation. She wasn't used to it. Santana and Brittany wouldn't even look at her. Finn was disgusted. Puck was dumb as fuck and he even suggested naming her baby Jack Daniels! Everybody did all they could to help her. They helped her carry her bag and books. They walked her to classes. They asked her how she was all the time. And she appreciated it. She really did.

But it wasn't enough.

She had a lot to worry about. Like the doctor bills. Puck did his best to pay for them. But they weren't really enough. She had to buy vitamin supplements for herself and the baby. She had a lot on her shoulders. But at least she didn't have to face Coach Sylvester and her goddamn crazy training for once.

Sometimes, she found the notes slipped into her locker comforting. Sometimes, she found them disturbing and a waste of time. She knew Rachel was doing it for her, worried about her. Those notes were actually useful tips about how to take care of her baby so when she was in the mood, she'd slip a thank you note into Rachel's locker. They had some sort of…silent communication between them for the period of her pregnancy.

Even Jesse St James' or Finn Hudson's presence didn't stop it.

Sometimes, she even found herself wishing she could hold Rachel Berry in her arms and truly tell her how thankful she was.

* * *

Giving birth to Beth was the toughest task she had to do. Pushing a baby out of her tiny little vagina wasn't even fun. And all the time, she was grabbing Mercedes' hand when Puck was trying his best not to faint at the sight of blood. She would never knew how he could whore himself around all the time and not be able to look at a little blood.

When it was over and the baby was in her arms, she loved her. Doesn't matter how much she would occasionally wished it away and hate it, she still loved Beth. The tiny little adorable baby was hers. She carried her for ten months. She gave birth to her. Even if she'd only met the baby for not more than fifteen minutes, she'd loved her like she'd loved nobody else.

She knew letting Shelby adopt Beth wasn't fair to Rachel. She knew Rachel would cry herself to sleep because her own mother would rather adopt another baby than bond with her. But Quinn had no choice. Shelby was the best chance Beth had. And Quinn wanted to give Beth the best chance she had to make it in this world.

When she finally handed Beth away to the nurse, she broke into hysterics, wailing into Puck's chest and wishing in her heart that Rachel and Beth would forgive her for doing this.

* * *

She rejoined Cheerios, thus destroying her not-so-friendship with Santana. She could see the disappointment reflected in Rachel's brown eyes when she strutted into the school in her Cheerio uniform. She felt bad for disappointing Rachel but somewhere in the back of her mind, her irrational conscience screamed at her, telling her to join the Cheerios, regain her reputation, be the same hard-to-get celibate everybody wanted.

Her weak mind succumbed to it.

Sometimes, she'd cried at night, remembering how everyone had helped her – especially Rachel – and she repaid them by rejoining the Cheerios, by being one of the poor sacrifices Sue Sylvester had under her wing.

Because she knew, just like how her father told her…

"_Fairytales can't exist."_

* * *

She did her best to help Rachel.

Like the time when Rachel asked them to ask their boyfriends to defend Kurt. She agreed in the end, even when she inserted a few jabs here and there.

Or when Rachel asked her to test Finn about his loyalty to her.

Or when Rachel asked for her nose, regardless of how incredibly creepy it seemed to be,

Or when Rachel asked her about her relationship with Finn by the piano and she did her best to tell Rachel to get out of this hellhole and make something of herself out there. Namely, Broadway.

She wondered why she just couldn't say 'No' sometimes.

* * *

Get It Right was _their_ song. Rachel told her so one time when they ran into each other in the bathroom. What's with them and bathrooms anyway?

"Your words…they inspired me to write the song."

Quinn couldn't sleep that night.

* * *

Nationals wasn't her greatest experience. She was going through a tumultuous stage of her life. She faced so many problems and conflicts. So when Santana told her that cutting her hair would make her feel better, she agreed. She was calm. She composed herself. She listened to Santana and Brittany muttered about Cheerios and stuff while the barber cut off her precious blonde hair.

And she did feel better.

Just slightly better.

* * *

Santana called her out during summer. The Unholy Trinity were hanging out in the backyard of Brittany's house when Santana finally popped the goddamn suffocating bubble.

"You're in love with Rachel," she exclaimed when Quinn pretended swooning over the new coach at the pool.

Quinn stared at her while Santana and Brittany stared at her back. It was seemingly the most traumatizing experience in her life because inside she was asking herself – _anybody –_ was she that obvious? She was panicky and all she could do was stare at the Latina.

Then Brittany came to her and hugged her while Santana could only look at her sadly, with a sympathetic and understanding smile. She reached forward to touch Quinn's arm – rare.

"Don't worry. We won't tell anyone."

Her dad was right.

Fairytales just can't exist.

* * *

She dyed her hair pink. She joined the Skanks. She pushed innocent girls' heads into toilet bowls. She snatched money. She got a fucking Ryan Seacrest tattoo on her back. She dated a forty year old skater. She went to all kinds of hell and she felt a strange pride when everyone could only stare at her when she walked pass. She smirked at them.

But it fall off her face.

It slipped out when Rachel stood at the end of the hallway, staring at her with such disappointment and melancholy Quinn almost broke in front of her.

She didn't.

She broke when she was alone in her bedroom.

When her mom was drunk off her ass in the kitchen.

* * *

Even Santana and Brittany couldn't dissuade from plunging herself deeper into her own personal hellhole and from destroying herself inside out.

Rachel's words were the most influential, which wasn't even a surprise. The brunette had risked herself by approaching her under the bleachers and Mack suggested beating her up. Rachel told her they missed her. Not really the words Quinn's wishing for. No. But she went back.

She went back to Glee when she realized Shelby Corcoran's back. She felt this pull in her heart, asking her to protect Rachel in any way possible. It was familiar. She followed it by disguising her tragic self by dying her hair back to blonde and going back to Glee. At least, like this, maybe Rachel would have one less thing to ponder about.

The only consolation she got out of this was Beth. Really, that kid was her daughter. The girl she'd given up to the mother of the girl she was in love with. It was the weirdest dynamic she had ever seen. But really, she'd gotten used to 'weirdness'.

She made herself crazy. She ruined herself in front of everyone else by attempting to snatch Beth back. Because like this, she could distract Shelby from furthermore pushing Rachel into her vowels of misery. In turn, she became so much more miserable herself.

Puck despised her. Everybody disregarded her. Rachel wouldn't even look at her.

All she got from this was the fact that Rachel was beaming every time she was in Glee and that grin was full on.

That was, in a way, enough.

* * *

It tore her apart when Rachel gathered the girls together for a meeting regarding giving her first time to Finn Hudson. For the first time, she'd allow her selfish self take over and she asked Rachel to wait. She still wasn't ready for that knowledge of Finn taking Rachel's virginity. She was unusually glad that Santana also disagreed. She also wanted to smack Tina upside her head.

She got a text from Santana in the middle of the night.

'_I think that if you want to stop being so sad and miserable over Berry, you should…you should join the TroubleTones.' _

Her mind screamed no. So she denied it.

Eventually, she regretted it.

* * *

However, Shelby won't even allow her to join. Screw Puckerman.

She stole her mother's whiskey from the liquor cabinet and got so drunk that night that her mother didn't drink just to look after her.

Quinn scoffed at herself the next day. It took her getting drunk to stop Judy Fabray from drinking for one goddamn night.

* * *

Sectionals.

It wasn't a to-die-for experience. In fact, she'd rather jump off a fucking building than standing on that stage singing fucking ABC and about having control over her life. Oh hell no, she didn't have no goddamn control over her life. She's spiraling out of her intended track of life. She's driving herself to a fucking dead end and she could do no goddamn thing about it.

Moreover, she still had to endure pretending herself to steal Beth from Shelby Corcoran. She knew everywhere in her mind that Shelby was the best chance for Beth but to distract Shelby from disturbing Rachel, she had to do it. She also knew Puck slept with her. She grimaced at the thought of that. The thought of Puck sleeping with a teacher was just unimaginably gross.

Ew.

Sam came back. And as considerate as she was, she still poured a little vinegar in her words when she told him that Mercedes was dating a jock named Shane, just so he'd know. And in return, he asked her to '_Hold on to sixteen as long as you can_.'

She was trying to.

* * *

Of course Rachel would ask her to not proceed with telling Figgins about Puck and Shelby. Despite how Shelby was so…uncaring for her and cruel to her, Rachel's kindness always took over. Quinn expected Rachel to dissuade her from telling Figgins. And the fact that Rachel would even follow her out of the auditorium just to stop her. It kind of comforted her. Kind of.

Quinn tried to fight against Rachel's constant magnetic pull. But she couldn't. Her resistance really wasn't that strong. So she succumbed to it. She let it eat her alive and she didn't tell Figgins. She thanked Rachel. Because really, Rachel literally just saved Beth's life. Quinn smiled at the knowledge of that.

"We're kind of friends, huh?"

"Kind of," she answered. They were kind of friends. Because Quinn would never ask for them to be _just_ friends.

* * *

"You deserved the best that you can, Quinn."

Not everyone think that.

* * *

She took pride in the fact that she was the first that Rachel told about the proposal Finn made. But her hope was diminished when she saw the hope and giddiness in Rachel's eyes. Quinn knew it didn't really matter what she said, Rachel would say yes and Finn would put that ring on her finger. She did her best to tell Rachel to not marry Finn and let that douchebag ruin her life any longer.

Rachel insisted on marrying Finn anyway.

She didn't take pride in the fact that she was the first to know about Quinn's acceptance into Yale.

Not even her mother knew.

* * *

She sang her first solo after a very long time. Never Can Say Goodbye contradicted her very wish to cut off her ties from Finn, Puck and Sam. She sang it with so much vigor because she wanted to show Rachel that achieving her dreams before getting tied up to a six foot tall Frankenteen would be so much better.

Rachel ignored her.

* * *

Maybe people didn't know. Maybe they knew. She didn't quite care. But she had a really short dalliance with Sebastian after the Bad number in the stupid parking lot. It was short. They just wanted to take out their frustration over their respective loves on each other.

She cut it off after just one week. She couldn't bear the thought of feeling guilty while having sex with Sebastian. She felt like she was cheating on Rachel when really, she was lying to herself.

* * *

The first impression she had of Joe was that he was insane. She had never seen anyone so devoted to Jesus that he named his dreadlocks after the verses in the Bible and also walking barefoot! What the fuck? But he had a really great singing voice. She could give him that.

The Valentine's Day telegram from Rachel wasn't from Finn. Finn was too stupid for that. Quinn used his name to let this be the last attempt she make to tell Rachel that she loved her. Since Rachel was engaged to the oaf, she couldn't do anything. She wouldn't dissuade her. She won't do anything. So she let Stereo Hearts be her last words to Rachel. She opted not singing. She didn't want to sing to Rachel and bleed so much more inside.

It's just too painful.

* * *

David Karofsky tried to commit suicide. The news shook her and she still hold on to her opinion despite how Kurt had backfired her so cruelly. He would never understand the pain she was feeling inside. He was stupid to think that he had an awesome gaydar. Like hell he had.

Mr Schuester gathered them in the auditorium and they spoke about their dreams. Maybe they did speak of their dreams. She could understand why watching Sex and The City Three was Sugar's dreams, because, come on, it's Sugar! She didn't, though. Graduating from Yale at the top of her class…That wasn't her utmost dream.

She hugged Rachel in the hallway in her Cheerio uniform. This time, it didn't add weight onto her shoulders. It relaxed her instead. She told Rachel she'd support her during her wedding. She cried on her way back home to get her dress.

On her way to the chapel, Chapel Of Love was playing in the background. She scoffed sadly at the irony of it. Rachel had sent her two texts, hurrying her. She did her best. Next thing she knew, it was darkness and full on pain on her back.

* * *

She kind of drifted in her dreamland for God-knows-how-many-days. She didn't care. But one day, she heard Rachel's voice urging her to wake up (?) somewhere in the Dreamland. She followed the voice and next thing she knew, she was looking up at the doctor and nurses' faces under the bright lights of the hospital room.

Rachel was crying in relief next to her mother in a corner of the room. She smiled at them reassuringly despite the god awful pain she was feeling throughout her body.

The doctor told her that her legs weren't functional for the moment. She ignored him when he told her that she might not ever be able to walk again solemnly. She ignored it because she didn't want it to be true. It certainly wasn't her dream to become a girl in wheelchair for the rest of her life.

* * *

Her friendship with Artie only lasted that long. She knew she wasn't supposed to be angry with him because whatever he was saying, it's true. This was…this may not be just temporary. This may be permanent. But her denial overtook her and she snapped at him. She was grateful that Artie didn't take it to heart and still waited for her at the door when she came to school the next day.

Rachel took good care of her. She asked her about her condition. She asked her how she was feeling. Quinn was thankful that Rachel at least cared about her. However, seeing that ring on her finger every day was enough to break her heart.

Every time Santana and Brittany visited, they avoided talking about Rachel.

* * *

They did disco that week. Saturday Night Fever, so to speak. She had pneumonia. It was kind of a comfort because she won't have to watch her Glee mates dance and she had to sit there like a log doing nothing.

Physical therapy was painful. It was agonizing. Every time the therapist asked her to stretch her legs or do something she deemed impossible, it was like someone was chopping her off her limbs with a blunt axe, adding to her pain.

Joe was always there, helping her out.

She knew he had feelings for her. She just didn't know how to reciprocate.

And Santana had to come and tell her that Rachel was stupid enough to not go to New York just to help Finn find his goddamn dreams.

* * *

She sang a number with Joe. A really romantic number with Joe. She could see that Rachel seemed to be happy for her from the corner of her eyes because she thought Quinn had found 'someone'.

She couldn't bear telling her that she was wrong.

* * *

She wondered how long has it been since all of the Glee mates gathered in the auditorium for a happy number.

* * *

This time, she had fever. Like a full on fever. She was admitted into the hospital for that. Her mother was by her side every single hour except for the hour where she'd go home to change. Quinn didn't know if she'd taken that time to down a few glasses of whiskey as well. And she didn't want to know.

One day, she woke up to see Santana sitting by her. Brittany wasn't there. She frowned and asked Santana about the blonde dancer. Santana shrugged and told her that Brittany had to stay to 'teach Frankenteen, Trouty Mouth and Squirrel Head how to dance.'

"Rachel choked during her audition."

* * *

She asked Santana to bring her to Rachel's place despite the Latina's protests. She waited for the brunette to come down and meet her. Rachel was surprised to see her and she quickly helped to bring Quinn into her house, with her fathers' help.

Quinn watched Funny Girl with Rachel, holding her hand throughout the movie. She was silently consoling Rachel. She knew her words won't hold any power. So she offered silent support. Rachel's smile when she left was satisfying.

Not satisfying enough.

* * *

She thought Prom Queen would be the only highlight after the accident. Finn wasn't happy. She didn't really blame him. But when he tried to manhandle her, she concluded in her mind that he was still the same selfish oaf he was three years ago.

Rachel texted her to meet her in the hallway. Quinn felt guilty but all Rachel did was grin at her. Quinn felt sourness seeping into her heart at that look.

"Do you not understand what you mean to me?"

_What I meant to you…isn't what I wish I meant to you, _she thought quietly. But hearing those words, her heart soared.

Santana gave up Prom Queen, claiming that she didn't even want to be prom queen if Brittany wasn't her king. That meant she won. But she didn't feel happy. She didn't feel any different. In fact, she felt like someone just punched her in the stomach.

She knew what she had to do then.

Seeing the happy look on Rachel's face made Quinn realize that she did the right thing. She also publicly showed people that she could stand again. The proud look on Rachel's face...No words could describe Quinn's feelings when she saw it.

* * *

Quinn managed it to dance through two whole numbers without collapsing. She saw her mother amongst the crowd and she grinned for real this time.

Edge of Glory really was a bitch though. She wondered how she managed it through two numbers when she was lying on the bed that night.

* * *

She wasted her money on buying two Metro passes. One for herself, one for Rachel.

Bathroom again.

She wasn't really surprised this time.

* * *

She kissed Puck for the last time.

She wanted to tell him that she didn't regret having Beth with him.

She wanted to tell him that she was proud of him for making it without going into jail.

* * *

She knew if it wasn't for Hiram, Finn would proceed with the marriage. Hiram called her the night before to tell her that he advised Finn to break up with Rachel and let her live her dreams. She asked him why. He only chuckled.

"Young lady, I may be old. But I'm not blind."

* * *

She didn't hug Rachel when they were at the train station. She was afraid she might not be able to let her go if she did.

* * *

Four days after Rachel's departure, she called Quinn. She asked about Finn. Of course she would.

He left last night.

Before they hung up, Rachel asked, "How are you, Quinn?"

Quinn smiled as she stared up at the ceiling. "I'm doing as well as I can."

Rachel didn't ask for elaboration. Quinn suspected that she knew about her feelings for her.

* * *

One week after Rachel's call, she moved to New Haven. She didn't tell anybody but Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Artie and Puck. They asked her about it when she was ready to depart at the airport.

"You guys were the only ones who really supported me from the beginning till the end," she'd told them

* * *

They visited back and forth. When she was in New York, they'd occasionally go for a show or they'd hang out together. Sometimes, Santana or Kurt would be there with them. Otherwise, they were just two friends happy.

One of them in love with the other.

It was the twenty-eighth time she'd visited New York that Rachel kissed her in Central Park.

* * *

They went on dates. They made out. They had sex. They made love. They rented an apartment after graduation from university. They christened every single place possible in the apartment.

Five years later, they went back to Lima for a Glee reunion. Finn made it out of army safely with a few scars here and there. Quinn wasn't really jealous when Rachel squealed at the sight of him and hugged him. She trusted Rachel. And Rachel loved her.

Finn congratulated them.

The night before they went back to New York, they were spooning in Rachel's bed. Quinn was the big spoon. Rachel snuggled deeper into Quinn's arms and hummed. Quinn hummed in response and tightened her arms around the love of her life.

She was happy at last.

* * *

"If I play a love song now, how would you feel?"

"Be sick."

"….Quinn!"

* * *

**I know. It's boring as hell. Review to tell me how bad it is. Favorite to tell me that this is in your list of one the suckiest fanfictions you've ever read. **


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